How To Deal With Mean Kids On The Playground

The other day I was spying on my 3-year-old at the playground (yes, I am that mom) and saw a kid yell at him, “Stop following me!” My son just stood there a little confused, but the rejection didn’t seem to bother him as much as it did me.

We’ve had a couple of friendly play dates with this boy, but all of a sudden he wasn't so cordial.

My heart sank when I saw the interaction, and I wondered how we would deal with mean kids or even bullies when my son got a little older. My first thought was, "I’ll just keep him home and homeschool him," but then I thought about how terrible that would be, considering my kid won't even listen to me when I tell him to wear pants!

See Also:

What Every Young Child Needs To Know About Being Online

Meet Talen and Cooper, Two Upstanders Demonstrating Kindness

My second thought involved private school, "where kids are nicer and get more positive attention," I told myself. Then the price tag popped into my mind and I passed on that idea. But at that moment, I realized something: There will be mean and tough kids no matter where we go.

Of course, this brings up my own childhood when girls excluded me and were even rough at times. Being as sensitive as I was (and still am!), it really upset me. Now I have to feel it all over again with my kid.

Psychologist and author of "Growing Friendships: A Kids' Guide to Making and Keeping Friends" Eileen Kennedy-Moore tells me, "Among preschoolers, even well-liked children get rejected about one out of four times they approach another child to play. We have to be careful about putting an adult interpretation on this. The child doing the rejecting was not saying or thinking, 'I judge you to be a worthless human being, lacking in desirable personal qualities!' He was focused on what he was doing and didn't want his play to be disrupted. Playing with another child, sharing and coordinating their actions, is extremely difficult for little kids. Cooperative play doesn't become common until kindergarten and beyond."

This was very helpful to hear. Maybe this is some universal rejection algorithm because one out of four sounded like my odds when men rejected me on the dating scene (or maybe it was the reverse).

When I explained to Kennedy-Moore how this brings up the times I was bullied as a child (namely that time a large girl named Svetlana pulled me by my hair into a toilet bowl), she cautioned me not to project my own experiences onto my child. "You may think, 'This exactly like what happened to me in first grade,' but it's not," she explains. "You don't want to burden your child with your emotions. Remind yourself that children's friendships can shift rapidly. Today your son may hate Stuart's guts; tomorrow they could be best friends. Kids generally manage conflicts, not by talking things out, but by separating for a few minutes, hours or days, and then just being nice to each other."

She was right. This morning, when I dropped my kid off at school, the teacher told me how well he was playing yesterday with the same boy who had rejected him the other day. That was a relief.

Kennedy-Moore shares what you can tell your child when he or she is upset because a child has been mean — or worse, a bully:

Start With Empathy

You could say, "That hurt your feelings!" or."You're mad that she said that!" Don't move on to problem-solving until he or she feels heard, and you see a softening in his or her face or body.

Offer Comfort

Depending on the situation, you may just want to offer comfort and ask, "Do you need a hug?"

Distract and Redirect Your Child

You could say, "Look, Amy is playing in the sandbox!" You can also coach them on how to respond to a mean comment. Try something like, "Tell Jessica, she can't say someone can't play!" or "If you don't like how Jessica is playing, find someone else who is playing nicely." Or "Tell Jessica, that was a mean thing to say and walk away."

Role-Play Social Scenarios

It may be helpful to role-play responses to difficult social situations.

Of course, if things get really mean on the playground, you might want to get more involved. But Signe Whitson L.S.W., author of "8 Keys to End Bullying," cautions that sometimes a parent's old baggage causes them to react with hostility, making things worse! She offers up some better strategies in her piece, "What Adults Can Do to Help Kids Bring an End to Bullying."

Yes, mom and child will get through this! And whether it is Svetlana or the single men I've dated, I need to keep my baggage off of the playground.