How To Set Limits For Your Kids While Respecting Their Boundaries

Last week we were at a local park and when my 3-year-old had "to go" and was determined to pee on a tree. There was a port-o-potty two feet away, so my husband tried to get him to do his business in there instead. But my son wasn’t having it and was in hysterics. (Maybe he hates the thought of those outdoor johns, like most of the world.) He came over crying to me, and I made it all better by letting him have his way.

A week later, when I discussed what I thought was a comical story with a friend who had older kids, she didn’t find it too funny. “He shouldn't be able to pee on a tree in a public park. Your job as a parent is to set boundaries,” she said. My husband took her side, adding, "It’s illegal to urinate in public!"

Was this really such a big deal? I found myself getting a little heated and defensive, responding, “No it's not. My job is to let my kid feel free.” I’m not sure she was convinced, and then I became unsure. When do we set limits and when do we back off with our kids?

I checked in with Ty Hatfield, co-author along with his wife, Linda Hatfield, of "ParentShift: Ten Universal Truths That Will Change the Way You Raise Your Kids." His advice? "Just let him pee on the tree without comment. No drama will help the problem go away. This is normal and appropriate behavior for a 3-year-old," he says. "It is hard to have others give their opinions about parenting when they think the opposite. Heart-centered parents have to stay the course and not give in to peer pressure (which is so hard)."

In their book, the Hatfields write, "Many people expect us to use old, outdated and harmful control over our kids through manipulation, shame and constant correction — especially when it comes to social norms and standards."

The Hatfields tell me that when someone parents from the heart, they honor their child's temperament style and developmental stage, creating solutions with the child instead of for the child.

That sounded about right to me. In my own childhood, I always felt restricted. Everyone told me, "Don't touch this," and "Don't say that." Maybe I'm overcompensating here, but I want my kid to think for himself, even if he's only 3 years old and it might drive me crazy!

But what are boundaries and limits I should create or break? Well, first it's important to understand the difference between the two terms.

According to the Hatfields, a boundary is a personal guidepost that someone sets for himself. For example, "I will only cook one dinner a night." Your children have their own boundaries too, which need to be honored. For example, my boy doesn't like to swim or share his favorite toys — those would be considered his boundaries. A limit is centered around health and safety and is something that you set for others. Kids are given limits when they are young and have fewer when they turn 18.

My hairdresser yesterday explained how her teenage girl likes knowing that she's only allowed to stay out till 8 p.m. and can only stay at a friend's house if another adult is there. Limits make her feel safe and secure.

Parenting from the heart means that we should set limits for our kids, but mainly for the purpose of keeping them safe — and therefore, not set up arbitrary rules strictly based on peer pressure from others. We also need to keep in mind that the most important aspect is not only respecting our own boundaries as parents, but our children's boundaries, as well.

So, what about the pee situation? The Hatfields' laugh and tell me that's just my son exploring his world.

"Yes, kids need and want to touch things to figure out their world. Some have a certain temperament that can annoy parents and a heart-centered parent already knows their child's unique temperament and works with it not against it," they say.

And when it comes to toddlers, their brains and frontal lobes are still developing and they don't understand a tree from a smelly john. Well, actually maybe they do.

The next time we came to the park and my son had to pee, I proposed he try the potty, and he went for it. I lifted him up, we aimed for the hole, and he peed all over himself, my legs and shoes. It was absolutely disgusting and beautiful at the same time. Following no one's rule book and getting dirty, but laughing and loving each other along the way — that's what parenting from the heart is all about for me.