How To Talk To Your Kids About Death

A couple of weeks ago, my sweet and loving 91-year-old father passed away, and I had to explain the sad news to my 4-year-old son.

“Pepe got old and died,” I said.

"What does that mean?" he asked.

"Uhh," I thought and then blurted, "He went to sleep forever.”

"Where?" he asked.

“Underground in a coffin,” I answered.

At that point, I knew I was saying all the wrong things and probably should have researched or spoken to an “expert” before I opened my mouth.

On the playground afterward, a fellow mom, Sarah, (who is also a therapist) explained that telling my son that his Pepe went to sleep forever might make him afraid of going to sleep. That would be a very bad thing, especially after last night when he woke up at 4 a.m. and insisted on getting up to play.

Rebecca Soffer, a mom of two and coauthor of the book "Modern Loss," feels honesty is the best policy when talking to kids about death. "From what I've experienced, telling a child that someone went 'to sleep' or using other niceties will ultimately just confuse them," she said. "There are ways to be honest about the reality of death while meeting your kid at their own level."

But how are you supposed to be honest without sounding creepy? After our conversation about his Pepe, my son kept asking me, "Did his blue blood or red blood die?" When I said that both died, he yelled, "No it didn’t!"

Clearly I need some more help. Here are other suggestions from moms and experts about what to say when someone close to you passes away:

Be Straight and Direct

Mom Ramsey says she's a big proponent of just talking to kids directly about death. She says, "When our daughter was stillborn I told my son her body had stopped working and she was dead. Then I told him about how when somebody dies their body gets put into the ground or cremated. We went to a science museum and I showed him an exhibit with beetles eating dead rats in various states of decay, and I explained how nature recycles everything, so when we die our bodies provide for other animals and plants. This may seem like a kind of traumatic way to do it, but it wasn't at all. Kids don't have the same emotional reactions to death that we do because it's not quite real to them yet."

Bodies Break Down Like Machines

Mom Johannah explained what dying is by using an analogy her child could understand. "I explained that the body is a machine and all body machines will stop working one day, usually when it’s someone very, very old. But then my brother died suddenly and 'very, very old' didn’t work. He also donated his organs so the machine thing didn’t work either, but at that time she was a little older, so we could talk more openly about things. We used it as a way to model that it’s OK to cry and to grieve."

Fred Rogers Approach

Mom Jessica says the Fred Rogers resources are excellent. "My mom died when I was 8, so I am a proponent of being honest in an age-appropriate way. My husband and I used the Mr. Rogers' approach when telling our son about our dog and then about his grandfather. We explained that their bodies were no longer working, and that they weren't asleep or ever 'coming back.' We told him it was OK to feel sad and angry, but that the love he felt and his memories of them are very real."

It's Sadder for Us Than It Is for Them

Mom Michelle says, "My son was 3-1/2 when my mom died and about 8 when his great grandmother died. I told him that at some point our bodies just don’t work in a way that keeps us alive. Usually it’s older people and sometimes younger, but it’s not something we should worry about daily. It’s sad that we won’t see them anymore. But they aren’t hurting or lost or lonely, so it’s not bad for them. I emphasized this part especially with my boy because my mom was sick his whole life."

Last night we were at a carnival and my son was sitting on a ride with some older girls. When the ride ended and he was about to leave, I overheard him tell the girls, "My Pepe died." I was shocked he brought it up, especially in that moment. One of the girls came over and told me she was sorry. It was so sweet, sad and touching.

Death isn't easy for anyone, but it's something we all experience at some point in our lives. And though it leaves our children with endless questions, with some love, sensitivity and understanding, there will be an answer.

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