Leader Or Follower: Does It Matter Which One Your Toddler Is?

A few weeks ago, the assistant teacher in my child's class told me that my son "does things his own way and is not a follower." When kids want to be pirates and superheroes, he wants to be a cheetah. When kids jump into pools and swim, he would rather play at the park and be free. And I have to admit, hearing his teacher say this made me feel relieved.

I flashed back to my own childhood where I followed the cool girls around in school, and it didn’t always feel great. My confidence was low back then, and maybe it still needs work!

A girlfriend told me her almost-4-year-old daughter sometimes follows other girls around who aren’t always so receptive. "Sweetheart, if someone doesn't want to play with you, try to find someone else to play with," she'll sometimes suggest. (I think I might still need to learn that lesson.)

All of this got me thinking: Can you tell if your kid will be a leader or follower when they are as young as a toddler?

Mom Kari O'Driscoll doesn't believe that all leaders fall into one category. "When my kids were younger, one of them seemed definitely more leader-like, but as they've gotten older, I've learned that there are different kinds of leaders and both of my girls are leaders in their own way," she explains. "Our culture reveres the loud, sign-carrying, lecturing-at-the-podium types who rally support, but it is often the quieter, lead-by-example, don't worry about the boundaries, path-forging leaders who make a huge impact."

Child psychologist and mom Emily W. King, Ph.D says that a child's temperament can definitely suggest whether they are more of a leader or a follower. "I have one of each and could absolutely tell if they were a leader or follower in pre-school," she says. "My oldest is the more cautious of the two and was much more comfortable standing on the side and observing before jumping into social situations. My youngest could likely use a little more caution before acting and tends to dominate the play."

It's important to remember that neither leader nor follower is better or worse, just different: "We need both leaders and followers in our communities. As children grow, we should nurture their confidence in certain areas as I believe all children have the ability to lead if their interests and gifts are encouraged," says King.

And don't make the mistake of associating followers with with people who have low confidence. "Confidence, defined as our own thoughts about our abilities, requires a level of meta-cognition (awareness of our own thinking) and is still developing in young children," says King. "So while some children may feel socially confident in their abilities to lead play, it is possible for a young child to also feel confident in their play skills while following another child's lead."

"Most children at age 3 are still figuring out how to play with others. They are practicing the boundaries of unwritten social rules such as taking turns and sharing toys. However, some children may begin emerging as leaders or you may notice some follow others in play. Emerging leaders might be the peer who is initiating social games with others while followers feel more comfortable following the ideas of others as they stand back and observe before jumping in," says King.

Are there things we can do to support both leaders and followers? King offers this advice:

1. All children need to be guided at this age, whether your child is emerging as a leader or seems to be a follower.

2. The pre-school years are a time to practice waiting, taking turns, and sharing play with others.

3. Children who tend to lead play might need some support in waiting for another child to share their idea or toy, while a more timid child might need encouragement from a teacher or parent to share play ideas with others.

4. It is important not to push children to join in play if they are uncomfortable. Follow their interests and their comfort level in play situations.

5. Also remember that some children emerge as leaders when playing with just one or two other children, while the same child may pull back when playing in a larger group.

It's true that labels sometimes do more harm than good, but it's still hard to not watch your child interact on the playground and get a sense of his or her social patterns. Whether my child turns out to be a leader, follower or a combo platter of both, I will support him and love him exactly how he is — even if that means he's a cheetah.

According to my kid's teacher, "Parents need to start enjoying their children, and be more in the moment with them instead of questioning their behaviors." No question about that!

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