My Struggle To Find New Purpose As A Stay-At-Home Parent

Many parents who are home with their kids have that never-ending itch to do something else. Child raising is an amazing experience, but after about 100 diaper changes and 30 tantrums, we might find ourselves searching for other sources of fulfillment.

Don’t get me wrong — I cherish every moment (well almost) with my 3-year-old, and I have an achy heart if I’m away from him for more than a cocktail. We cuddle at least once an hour, and I still don’t have a sitter that I feel comfortable leaving him with. Clearly, I have some attachment issues, but a mom recently told me that my son and I will want nothing to do with each other when he’s a smelly teenager — so I’ll forgive myself.

Still, I know that raising a child is not the only reason why I am here on this planet. Of course, I’m not exactly sure what those other reasons are yet — but hopefully, there's time to figure that out.

Many stay-at-home-parents, like myself, are on a similar journey. Most of our attention and energy is on our little ones, making it difficult to focus on our own needs. Also, for many of us, our paths beyond parenting simply aren’t clear yet or have maybe changed course. Not everyone can know what they were meant to be in the second grade. And for those people, it might be time to mix things up!

I once knew a stay-at-home-dad who was a lawyer by trade but absolutely hated the profession his parents cajoled him into pursuing. He lost his job, too, so decided to stay home and raise his baby girl while his wife worked. I’m sorry to say, he was mostly miserable. He would carry around this adorable baby in a sling disheveled from lack of sleep with a lost look on his face. From our conversations, I knew he was being hard on himself for not having another plan. I felt for the guy and wanted to give him a hug every time I saw him (without crushing his baby of course).

Another mom I know has a baby and a toddler. When one sleeps, the other one is on a mission to tear the house apart. She coordinates their schedules like a mommy master but there’s another part of her yearning to work on her own talents as an artist. She used to be a graphic designer, but now isn’t sure where her skills might take her. And who has time to think that through as they're trying to keep their home in one piece?

Holistic career and executive coach Kristina Leonardi says, “The reality is that your purpose and 'job' at this particular time is to be a parent and being fully present for your children is the most important thing you can be doing. Leaning into and accepting the fact that being a full-time parent/caregiver is now part of your identity can be a tough shift for some since our society doesn’t value that as much as saying, “I’m a lawyer, business owner, teacher" etc. but it IS. Also be aware of the different skills you are learning and muscles you are exercising. In other words, how are you growing as a person is part of the bigger picture of your purpose in the world — and trust that you will be carried into your next steps outside of parenthood."

That might be tough for the impatient moms like myself, but it's a good way to put this phase into perspective. Here are some other tips to consider:

Not knowing is knowing

We are so tough on ourselves for not knowing what to do professionally and for ourselves. But a wise man once told me that knowing comes from the not knowing. Be in the mental space of "I don’t know," so the right ideas can appear. If you already knew everything about what you should do, you wouldn’t be open to new ideas and directions. So enjoy and welcome your “cluelessness” because that’s where your wisdom will show up and give you a hint about your next step.

Don’t judge yourself

There’s the situation we are in, and then all the negative chatter we tell ourselves on top of it all. Don’t add layers of judgment onto what already is tough on you. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself with baby gloves. You recently brought a human to this world for goodness sake. Give yourself credit for the miracle you created, watch those judgmental thoughts and let them roll off you like those crumbs or baby schmutz we seem to find on our clothing all day.

Give yourself time

You have this time at home with your children for a reason. Give yourself time to figure out your next move, and time to be with your little ones. You’ve heard over and over that our little ones won’t stay little for very long. Don’t put impossible deadlines on yourself now. Give yourself as much time as you need, even if it’s a year or two to take your next step for you. And when you do, you’ll feel less pressure and be surprised how much shorter your professional journey might take.

Start journaling

When you write out your thoughts, you uncover your deep truth. Don’t overthink your writing. Ask yourself questions like, "Who do I want to be?" or, "What do I want to do?" and, "What would an ideal day look like for me?" and see what you share. Jot down whatever comes up for you, even for a few minutes or sentences a day. Journal when you first wake up for a fresh mind and deep thoughts!

Take small steps

Leonardi says, "Think of your plan as planting seeds in a garden. Then water and fertilize them often and trust that they will bloom, as I like to say, 'in time and on time.'" She explains that if you want start a business, you can write a plan, do research, think about names, etc. If you’re an artist or a musician, carve time out to create and practice. Little steps on a regular basis can keep you connected to yourself and your purpose.

Life might seem like it's passing you by just as you have the dirtiest diaper in your hand, but actually it's all happening as it should. Give yourself a break, use this time wisely and know that you will discover your "purpose" beyond parenthood at the right time for everyone.

---

Photo: Shutterstock