The Other Side Of Playdates: Parents And Nannies

I live in a suburb where it seems like the percentage of nannies to parents as caregivers is 50/50 — and while our kids surely will play with one another, it's sometimes harder for us to connect. It often feels like nannies are on one side of the park and moms are on the other.

A mom recently admitted to me, while swinging her child next to mine, that she wasn't interested in making playdates with other nannies and would rather meet up with other moms. I get it. It makes sense that we might want to hang out and chat with our mom friends while our kids run around and play. But I also sometimes feel like my child is missing out on some fun hangouts because another child has a nanny.

There is one boy in our preschool class who my son loves, but his nanny is always busy with other kids and their nannies. I've even texted her about hanging out and didn't get a response so I let it go. Just like moms might stick together, maybe nannies stick together, too? All of this division reminds me of a bad episode of "Real Housewives Of The Suburbs"— but maybe I'm just being dramatic.

Lindsey, who is a work-from-home mom of two says, "I would rather not have a playdate with a child and their nanny or babysitter because playdates are a social time for me too. I have limited time so I want to hang out with parents I'm friends with, or interested in being friends with. Of course, if I'm already friends with someone's nanny, that's great! I was a nanny myself and did hang out with some moms!"

When I posted this question on a forum, many moms were quick to point out how narrow-minded this view point could be. "Why should it matter that the person is a nanny? Why wouldn't you want to have a playdate?" one mom explained. "I have had some awkward nanny playdates and some awkward parent ones. Generalizations are not a good idea."

Mom Jenni was a nanny for years and said it felt awful when parents avoided her simply because she was the nanny. She says, "It made me feel like 'the help.' There were those that spent time chatting with me, and I loved them for it."

Other moms, like Shannon, had no issues with making playdates with nannies. "I absolutely made playdates with nannies I got along with, and am still friends with many of those nannies. For me, it wasn't important if they were the parent," she says.

Our biases can indeed surface on the playground, even against other parents. There are plenty of instances where moms will avoid arranging playdates with certain kids because they lack connections with their parents.

When I spoke to a nanny who has been in the business for five years about this issue, she admitted that our area is really cliquey. "The nannies stick with the nannies, the au pairs stick with the au pairs and the moms stick with each other." She then said that she doesn't really fit in with any group. The other day she was invited to a playdate with other nannies, and even though she was in a room with everyone, the other nannies didn't engage with her much. "People are very nice, but I wish they were more inviting," she said.

I agreed. Can't we all just get along and be more open with one another? I thanked her for her honesty and told her that I would make more of an effort to be friendlier to everyone, and make some playdates with her too!

Here are some pointers from some moms about how to approach playdates with nannies — or other moms and dads — you don't usually hang out with:

Make It About the Kids

According to mom Elena, playdates should be more about the kids. She had a nanny for six years and encouraged her to make playdates with other moms. "I see playdates as social interaction for kids," she says. "So who cares if the person there is the nanny or the mom?"

Stay Open

If you keep an open mind you might even make a new nanny friend like mom Pam did. "I kinda felt like a big sister to her and just really enjoyed our chats. Not that we would have necessarily been friends outside of the kids' friendship but I liked her enough to hang out with her at the park while our kids played. For me, it just depends on the person, not so much the age/life stage," she says.

Mom Jenni says, "Nannies are just human beings looking to connect and have a little adult conversation now and then. I wouldn't assume you have nothing in common with a nanny. Engage with nannies as you would anyone else and you'll find some you connect with."

As we head into the colder months and more indoor playdates are needed, I'm going to challenge myself to think differently and make more of an effort to make plans with nannies. After all, we all have one major goal in common, making sure the kids we care for have a great time!

Update: This article must have brought me some playdate luck, because right after it was published, I met a friendly nanny who was caring for a child who was playing nicely with my boy at a kids' gym. She said, "We are always looking for playdates. Can I text you sometime and see if you're around!" I happily said yes and gave her my number right away. I really liked this woman and was excited to meet again. Of course, then she told me that the family she works for is moving in December. Oh well! Two steps forward and one back, but I'm still moving in the right direction.

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