Please Don't Discipline My Child

A recent visit with some relatives didn’t go as well as I hoped. Our vibrant and colorful 4-year-old was in full karate mode, skipping around and kicking his arms and legs. At some point, his great aunt looked over and said, “Alright, stop that. Sit down and relax!”

Then, she gave me a look that implied that I’m not controlling our son. Since when do 4-year-olds need to sit and be quiet? Obviously, my kid has quiet moments, too, but I had no problem with him expressing his passion for karate in our home.

Some elders — and maybe even some parents today — are quick to discipline kids when they are just behaving like kids, and I do respect their opinions. However, I would never dream of hitting or even yelling at a child if they weren't "behaving." Instead, I try to change children's behaviors with love and kindness. (This isn’t always easy but, hopefully, will result in less therapy one day.)

Either way, disciplinarians and older relatives don’t always understand kids. We have an older lady in our community who will actually shush my child if he’s singing loudly on the street. Sure, none of this is a big deal. We can shush them back and walk away — except when relatives are involved.

I've checked in with some moms about this issue, and I was surprised to learn that so many believed that discipline from outsiders (and even relatives) is a positive thing.

Mom Liz says, "I’m OK with my parents disciplining my son. They watch him often, and it’s necessary. Also, it takes a village. He sometimes listens to other people and not me."

Mom Kate agrees. She adds, "The fact of the matter is society doesn’t have nearly as high a tolerance for our little darlings as we do. So I’m on board with grandparents and teachers informing my children that they need to knock it off."

"In my circle of friends, we all occasionally discipline each other's kids," says mom Leah. "And I'm thankful for that. I think it's good for kids to learn to respect and listen to adults who are not their parents, and sometimes they just listen better to someone who isn't Mom or Dad."

Mom Nina says, "Older people are justifiably upset by very loud and active children. Even if they are guests, if someone is doing something that upsets them, I feel they have a right to say something. I would have no problem with this."

Related Parenting Books:

• "Being A Grandparent" by Dr. Ray Guarendi
• "Winning the Discipline Debates" by Dr. Ray Guarendi
• "No-Drama Discipline" by by Daniel J. Siegel

These moms all raise some good points. However, I spoke to plenty of other parents who, like me, were not down with harsh discipline from others.

Mom Stephanie has minimized contact with one of her children's grandmothers because she constantly negates things Stephanie says to her kids, which makes her uncomfortable. "It's a soft undermining," she says. "[For example] I'll say, 'Too much sugar isn't good for you.' She'll say, 'Unless it's the sugar in fruit or milk.'"

Still, it's not always possible to cut off those who are disciplining your children without your consent. Plus, you might not want them out of your life. In these cases, here are some additional ways to set boundaries:

Make Them The Fun Grandparents

"I always tell my parents — especially my dad — that they are supposed to be 'the fun grandparents' and leave the disciplining to me," says mom Lisa. "I remind my dad that when I was a kid, my grandparents didn't discipline me as part of our relationship and that I absolutely loved them (and still miss them terribly)."

Pick Your Phrase

Mom Jacoba says, "These days, my favorite stock phrase for [people offering parenting advice] is, 'Thank you for your input.' I feel like it's a mantra meant for me as much as it is meant for them. It helps me remember that I don't need to engage. They are welcome to their opinions, but I don't need to make them my own. Sometimes I'll say, 'Thanks for your feedback,' or, 'Thanks for your concern,' with a full-stop tone of voice that most people correctly interpret as a cue to not discuss anymore."

Keep It Kind

I don't mind others letting my kid know they feel uncomfortable with something he is doing. It's how kids learn awareness, and I still protect my child's right to either accommodate or not. But disciplining for normal 4-year-old energy? Or being overbearing, controlling and downright unkind? I tell them kindly to stop.

Get on the Same Page

Try to talk to those who might need to discipline your child (grandparents and teachers, for example) and come up with a style of discipline that works for you both. Mom Tea says, "When reprimanding or instructing a child, [people] need to do it in a style that the parent uses — a method that's agreed upon."

Discipline from great-aunts and others might not be what we want to hear, especially if we have our own parenting style. But with some of these great tips, I'll feel more prepared when the next karate marathon begins.

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