The Pros And Cons Of Having An Only Child During Quarantine

As families quarantine together, some parents of only children can't help but wonder if their kids are feeling more isolated and having a harder time than children who have siblings. As I write this, we are on Week Five of hunkering down. Our 4-year-old woke up in a sour mood and is already bored by 9 a.m. After suggesting about five things he could do, I left him alone and fantasized about a little brother or sister coming in to save the day.

Of course, that's just a fable I tell myself. When my husband and I first decided to start a family, we were sure one child would be the perfect number for us. For one, we were older — I was in my late 30s. Second, as freelancers and artists, we were realistic about what we could afford. And third, my husband’s brother was (and still is) a big bully, and he didn't want to repeat that experience again.

Our "baby" is now 4 and has a larger-than-life personality that's entertaining and fun — and sometimes exhausting, too. We are beyond thankful and in love with our boy and dote over him all day, which definitely goes to his only-child head.

I admit that when our boy turned 3, I started craving a second child. The pangs came and went — and then came back again. My husband was still sure that one child would be enough. Even though we felt differently, ultimately, I agree with him and accept that one child was in our cards.

However, quarantine life has a way of making you confront yourself and the decisions you make, or the ones that choose you. Right now, my husband and I are our son's biggest playmates. While we do spend a lot of our time playing with him, I also wonder if he would like a little buddy, too.

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Our boy doesn’t seem to complain too much or even ask about his friends. In fact, he prefers to FaceTime with adults rather than friends from school. Nana is pretty happy about that!

The other night, I received an invite for a Zoom meeting with other moms of only children in my Mom's Club. At the meeting, they also shared some guilt for not giving their children a sibling, especially during this isolating time. The call made me feel less alone, and when I checked in with other "only moms" in a writer's group, I received some interesting comments:

"I am an only child and I have an only child. Mine is 14 and is as happy as a clam. Now, I would like to have another one around because I like this one so much, but he is adamant that he has no interest in a sibling," wrote mom Lane.

Mom Fahrin says, "My girl is almost 8. Like you, we made our choices early, and that window is closed. But I'd give almost anything to give her a little sister right now."

Mom Debbie agrees and says, "I have a 13-year-old, and as long as he can disappear into a screen, he’s fine. But I really wish he had someone close to his age around."

Mom Sandra goes back and forth with her thoughts on having an only child. "My son is an only, and he's begged for a sibling for years," she says. "But he's 7, and I'm in my mid-40s, and it's too late. I do think he'd be an amazing big brother. But when I hear my friends complain about how much their kids are fighting right now, or how hard it is to home-school multiple kids in different grades, I'm glad I only have one."

There were actually quite a few other moms who felt similarly to Sandra. Mom Jenny wrote, "I'm actually having the opposite reaction. This pandemic is more firmly cementing my decision not to have a second baby, unless our culture does a whole lot more to support growing families."

Mom Rachel offered some advice and wrote, "I just want to speak up as an only child who then gained stepsisters — I really liked being an only child. And while I love my sisters, it became far more complicated. Please don't project onto your kids. They may be totally fine with it."

The morning after my Zoom call, a New York Times article popped up in my inbox titled, "Is Quarantine Worse for an Only Child?" by Lucy Rimalower. In the article, experts write about how only children aren’t necessarily worse off compared to other kids. Dr. Toni Falbo, educational psychology professor at the University of Texas, said, “On average, only children have very good relationships with their parents. So, if they’re sheltering in place with their parents, they’re probably having a pretty decent time interacting with them.”

Dr. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, who co-wrote “A Mandate for Playful Learning in Preschool,” adds, “The thing they are missing is this navigation and negotiation with the social world. Is it important? Absolutely. Is it going to be damaging? Absolutely not.” She said it would take years for children to experience lasting damage from the current shelter-at-home practices. “They still live in a social world. That social world has us as a part of it. We are their guides and travel agents. I don’t see it as harming them,” she says.

Maybe our only children are totally fine, and this is more about our own guilt and feelings as parents. Most of the time, I'm pretty content with our trio unit — even when I'm stuck inside and not allowed to put the couch cushions back in place because it would "disrupt" our son's obstacle course.

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