Should You Be Strict Or Lenient With Your Child?

When we are pregnant, we can only imagine what kind of parents we will become. Will we be stern or mostly gentle? Will we be patient or lose our tempers? Will we end up turning into our own mothers?

I realized early on that I was going to have a difficult time saying "no" and sticking to any hard rules with my little guy. I was a bit of a pushover who took one look into his sweet baby blue eyes and knew I couldn’t let him cry for long. However, my approach became all too evident as our 2-year-old became an opinionated and sometimes irrational toddler, yelling if we turned off the television or made him wear shoes (or even pants!) before going out.

My husband was a little more strict and insisted on setting some limits. (For example, he didn't want our son to watch more than one hour of TV a day.) We had to work out our differences on the strict-versus-easy parenting front. Today, our yin-yang parenting mostly works — except for those times when I allow my son to watch extra TV episodes when the hubby is out, so I can shower and have my coffee!

"Why should my boy suffer?" I've always felt, well aware that this school of thought is how some Millennials have grown into impossible beings. I don't think we are on that road, and my kid will be moving out at 18. Still, I've worried in the past about whether I was going to create a monster by giving into to most requests.

But then I realized, that maybe I was onto something with my laid-back approach.

At my son's preschool, administrators don't often use the "no," unless kids are in danger. They feel that saying no decreases a child's creativity. Irene Balint-Wemer, the school's Director of Education and my son's teacher, says, "Just saying 'no' is harsh. Adult responses should be said in a kind and respectful way. For example, if a child asks, 'Can I have more cookies?' Instead of saying, 'No,' you might say, 'I know you would like another cookie but cookies are a treat. If you are still hungry, I can get you a piece of fruit.'"

This makes sense to me, because I just want my toddler to be happy and free. I hated growing up with people always barking at me to not touch this and not say that. I've also seen some nannies and moms in the park who were extremely tough and over-disciplinary. I never felt like I could control a toddler that way. And yes, I do get dirty looks from some nannies (and moms) when I let my boy play with long sticks.

I want my kid to lead his own life and get comfortable making his own decisions, without poking anyone in the eye or flashing anyone, toddler-style. But I know that might sound ridiculous to some people, especially moms from a different generation.

“You put the kid’s food in front of them and tell your child to eat — don’t ask him,” my mother would tell me. But I knew that if I didn’t ask my son if he wanted nuggets or pasta and just made anything, it wouldn’t get eaten.

Jacqueline Dunkelman, Psy.D. points out that giving your child two to three options for decisions and letting them make choices through the day will make them feel like they have a say, and that's important for their self-esteem. "Treating them as people who have opinions is empowering. If they aren't given choices, they might feel angrier and act out further," she says.

This might be a new concept for older generations. I can just hear my great-aunt in a thick Brooklyn accent saying, "The only choice my child has is whether he wants to get slapped with the back of my right hand or the front of my left!" Times have changed, and thank goodness for that.

Even today, though, navigating the balance between being strict, easy or somewhere in the middle can be challenging. Here are some tips Balint-Wemer suggests:

Don't expect logic before age 3.

Children have "readiness development" at different stages in their lives. For example, children become logical around the age of 3. Therefore, you can't depend on logic when dealing with a 2-year-old.

Know when to be strict.

When a situation is dangerous, a parent needs to be firm about setting boundaries. For example, you are not going to allow a toddler to cross a busy street on his or her own. So be strict about holding their hand.

Let them be.

When the situation allows a child to make a safe choice, the parent can be lenient. For example, a child wants to wear his witch costume to school. He loves it and is so happy wearing it. By letting the child make his own choice, you are teaching the child that he has a voice. The reactions the child receives from his teacher and peers, positive or negative, creates a learning opportunity.

Note: Balint-Wemer is speaking about my child!

Dunkelman adds these tips:

Know your child.

If your child acts out behaviorally and hits other kids and throw other things, that child may need more firmness, structure and organization. Another child who behaves may not need as much discipline, and so you might be able to take a more relaxed approach.

Meet children where they are.

The best way to get a good response from your child while avoiding too much discipline is by showing genuine interest and being engaged with your child. Let them guide the play. Be curious, ask questions and introduce different variables in play. Listen to them and what they are asking for. Don't use language above their head because they won't respond to it — instead, try mirroring their behavior and speaking their language.

Despite my tendency to give in to my toddler and end all tears (mine and his!), maybe more than the average parent, I think my kid is pretty well behaved, happy and not spoiled — as of yet, at least.

I mainly use my gut to guide me through decisions about when to discipline and when to let him have those cookies. It's not always easy, but we're fully clothed most days, and both feel heard, validated and respected, which is what toddler and adult life should be all about.

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