The Struggles Of Parent-On-Parent Judgement

I love my group of supportive moms, but if you put me in a room of random parents and nannies, I usually feel like I’m back in high school. All of my insecurities come back, and I feel like a magnet for judgment.

Eyebrows raise when I let my boy yell loudly in restaurants because I don’t want to hurt his feelings with a shush, or when I let him run around barefoot even if it’s cold out. (He hates wearing shoes, and discipline isn’t my strength!)

I know I’m not alone, since mom-shaming is almost as common as bullying these days. According to one study conducted by the University of Michigan, two out of three mothers are“shamed" by others, oftentimes by their own families.

My mother was just horrified when my then 3-year-old wasn't yet potty trained, and she may have had a point. I am not sure she gets our non-pushy parenting approach.

A friend admitted to me recently that the judgment of other moms makes her feel isolated. Her friend once questioned her choice to work over being home with her son, asking her if the money was worth it.

She tells me, “This person was my friend, and I don't think she meant to judge. I think she just thinks her way is right. On the flip side of that, her family struggles with money, and I think to myself, 'You should work to help pay the bills!' So I judge her too. And side note: My husband judges moms who feed their kids sugar.”

Maybe we all think our method of parenting is the only way. For example, I’m not sure I still get the "cry it out" method. Did I judge other parents for allowing their babies to cry alone for up to an hour until their kids self-soothed at night? Probably. But am I also jealous their kids sleep through the night at 3-years-old and never call for Mommy at 2 a.m.? Absolutely.

Still, there’s judgment and there’s public shaming. When I first joined a moms club in my area, the president actually posted something on Facebook about how a nanny was mistreating and neglecting the son of one of the moms in the group.

The president put the blame on the mother for leaving her child with the nanny, and her post was cold and insensitive. Other moms chimed in, not knowing who the mom was at that point, offering other judgmental opinions on the situation. When the mom asked that the president pull down the post and address her privately to discuss the issue — as well as apologize, she refused. Yes, there was some serious mama drama in the neighborhood.

Maybe the president thought she was being helpful in some way. But the things she said about this nanny weren’t fully true, and even if they were, they shouldn’t have been discussed in public.

Therapist and mom Tamsin Taylor adds, though, that oftentimes, our harshest critics are ourselves. "From counseling many new (and seasoned) moms, I've realized that we are our own harshest judge, and guilt seems to plague us from the get go," she says. "I believe that judging often come from a place of fear. Fear that we are doing something wrong ourselves, fear that others will be judging our own 'different' style of parenting."

Taylor now only surrounds herself with supportive moms who don't offer opinions about how she is choosing to bring up her kids. I second that approach, only sometimes, you can't escape those moms who look at you oddly in the park or at birthday parties and give you bad vibes.

My friend says, "Parenting is so hard. I've managed people, millions of dollars and caring for children is the hardest. We should all be supporting each other not judging our choices.”

Taylor adds, "I was way more judgmental before I had my second child. I had strong ideas about the kind of parent I wanted to be, what was right and what was wrong. While I still have a clear idea of the kind of parent I want to be and the things that are important to me, I no longer see things in that black and white way. I know people that parent in a completely different way to me. I enjoy watching and learning from others. Differences aren't bad or wrong, they're just different. How dull would the world be if we all did everything the same way?"

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