Surviving Tantrums: How To Handle Your Toddler's Next Outburst

In the last few days, I’ve seen a mood shift in my 3-year-old — and unfortunately, tantrums are at an all-time high. First, he refused to leave the house when I wouldn't let him wear his snot-stained Hulk pajama shirt for the third day in a row. He then kept crying throughout the day, expecting me to carry him everywhere and refusing to walk (he's over 35 pounds!). He also fought us at bedtime, running around with underwear on his head until 11 p.m. The terrible twos seem like a distant dream now.

When I spoke to his preschool teacher, she told me he’s simply developing and getting more independent now, and that this is a good thing. “This is what you want!” she said. Of course, preschool teachers are always trying to highlight the positives — bless them.

But I still wonder how many of these tantrums are normal. Am I not being strict enough? Am I being too strict? I know that the rational part of my son's brain is still being developed, but I question if I'm doing this whole "parenting thang" right too!

I know I am not alone — even if it feels that way at times. Last year, I saw a 4-year-old freak out at a birthday party, hitting and yelling at his mom. She was so embarrassed that she left before the cake. At the time I thought, “My child would never do that.” Well, times have changed and I’m not so quick to judge any longer.

Conveniently, I know a psychologist in town, Dr. Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, who just published a book called "The Tantrum Survival Guide." After reading the book in a frenzy, I called her to vent and get a little pep talk.

"So what’s the deal here?" I asked. "Is this all my fault for being a parent who likes to avoid conflict and gives in too easily? Or is this karma for how I treated my parents as a teenager, and is the worst yet to come?"

Thankfully, Dr. Hershberg was able to provide some reassurance. "Tantrums are not only completely normal and expected from a developmental standpoint," she explained.

Then she said something surprising about tantrums: They're also desirable. "I know that sounds strange — especially when you're in the trenches — but it's true. This is the stage when young children are really working hard to assert their autonomy, find their own way, figure it out for themselves," she says.

So what is causing these tiny outbursts? "Our little ones are attempting to navigate all that— a task which can undoubtedly feel overwhelming at times," says Hershberg. "They don't yet have fully developed emotion regulation and language skills. Your 3-year-old's tantrum is really just a behavioral manifestation, or expression, of really big feelings that he doesn't yet have the capacity to verbalize, or handle more calmly, himself."

However, Hershberg also cautions in her book that when parents aren’t in a good place, tantrums can get worse. "If your child's tantrums seem worse, it may be that you're wearing the gray-colored glasses brought about by exhaustion. Or it may be that they actually are worse in reality, because you are lacking in the energy and warmth and patience that toddlers and preschoolers demand in such high quantities."

It can be hard to remain calm and positive when dealing with a cranky toddler. But next time those tantrums erupt, here are 10 strategies Hershberg suggests:

Use cheerleading. Highlight the positives in your child to reinforce their good behavior (and maybe even especially for small victories).

Skip the rational explanation. Logic and explanation doesn't work with a child during a tantrum. They just want to be heard and can't understand anything else.

Label and reflect your child's emotions when a tantrum seems imminent. Acknowledge your kid's desire and frustration, and empathize with their emotional experience instead of trying to fix it. If there's no milk at home say, "I know sweetie, you really really want milk, but I'm saying you can't have any."

Keep it short. You don't want to give your child so much empathy leading to a tantrum that the reflection of emotions becomes a way of rewarding the behavior you want to decrease.

Ask your child a question that seems to come out of the blue. Distraction can work well. A question like, "Hey do you remember what you had for breakfast this morning?" Then run with his or her answer and keep discussing.

Just sit there-empathically. Instead of trying to make the tantrum stop, sit and listen. Sometimes your kids just need to let their emotions out.

Use a firm-not-angry-tone of voice. Your presence — including your words and actions — will ultimately help sooth your child. Stay loving.

Consider using touch. Voice might not do enough to calm a child so use touch and even a bear hug to calm a child.

Make keeping yourself calm a priority. Keep yourself emotionally regulated— deep breathing, feeling into your body and reminding yourself that your little one's brain isn't fully cooked.

Repair the rupture. A tantrum is a rupture in the parent-child relationship and ideally it's followed with a repair or reconnection. A repair can range from a simple "connect and redirect" (Wow, that was a tough couple minutes; come here, let's go read a book together) to a hug, and even making a joke you can both laugh at.

These strategies are meant to be mixed and matched, or used at different times depending on the tantrum severity. But through it all, staying calm and regulated is beneficial, so that the choice you make is intentional versus reactive.

Ironically, since my talk with Dr. Hershberg and writing this piece, my son has been somewhat of an angel. That’s the thing with kids and toddlers: For better or worse, nothing stays the same. Their developmental stages come and go in a flash, just like those tantrums.