Teaching Children How To Handle Conflict

Navigating conflicts with other people is a lifelong challenge, which in my case probably started with my mother at the age of 5. Since then, I haven't always been great at handling conflicts with friends and family. Sometimes, I avoid issues completely. Other times, I might let my emotions get the best of me. (Case in point: sending passive-aggressive text messages.)

Our little ones also don't have it easy when it comes to handling conflicts, since their frontal lobes aren't fully developed yet. The other day, my son had a marathon play date from 9:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. And while the kids got along perfectly at the start, every hour or so, they would fight about things such as wanting each other's toys. This somehow led to crying about not having enough personal space. At one point, my son went to his room and yelled that he wanted to end his play date "now!" Twenty minutes later, they worked it out and were best buddies again.

Mom Jennifer believes that the way you were brought up says a lot about how you (and your children) handle conflict as a person — and sometimes, you need to be the change you want to see in your child. "I came from a 'bottle it up until you blow'-style family, and I have had to learn as an adult to express anger, displeasure and disappointment in the moment, in increments, and have worked to model that for my son," Jennifer says. "Like with anything, the challenge is to change your own behavior so you can model it for your child."

Learning conflict resolution and how to handle emotions is essential for our kids. Mom Risa says, "The school my son went to from kindergarten through fourth grade did everything they could to suppress any kind of conflict, which means these kids never learned conflict resolution or resilience, either. The entire school environment was so tightly controlled that everyone was always incredibly anxious, especially the adults. It was ridiculous. And three years after we left, we're still undoing all the anxiety they instilled in our formerly happy-go-lucky kid."

So, how can we teach our kids conflict resolution now in order for them to avoid issues like these as they grow up?

Emily Edlynn, PhD, explains that adults have to actively coach younger children (around 2-4 years old) on how to navigate conflict: "Young children have not developed impulse control, and it is normal for them to respond to a conflict with physical aggression, especially when they are still developing verbal skills to communicate their needs."

Here is how she and other moms advise parents to help their kids handle and resolve conflict:

Narrate, Self-Calm and Repeat

Adults can help by narrating the conflict in a way that helps them put words to their experience. For example, "Your friend took your toy without asking, which made you feel mad." They can also practice self-calming strategies with the child, such as, "Let's take some deep breaths together to feel better." Repetition of adults modeling and teaching these strategies will help lay the foundation for children to independently use these skills when they are developmentally able.

Speak Up, Be Assertive, Not Aggressive

Edlynn says that children between ages 5 and 7 are better equipped to verbally communicate and are developing the ability to understand the perspective of another person, which is key to navigating conflict. "They are likely still working on impulse control but have more tools than younger children," she says.

A key component to teaching this age group about managing conflict is developing and practicing assertiveness skills. This includes teaching children how to speak up and appropriately express themselves without hurting the other person, physically or emotionally. They can learn to state the problem and how they feel. For example, they can say, "When you say I'm weird, it hurts my feelings," and then they can make a request,"Please stop calling me weird. I don't like it." This does not mean adult intervention won't also be helpful, but the child is building confidence to be assertive rather than aggressive.

Reframe and Approach Differently

Mom Sarah Robinson, who is a mental skills coach, says we need to reframe confrontation. "Instead of thinking, 'I need to confront someone,' it should be, 'I need to talk with someone about something important.' Reframing it for ourselves helps us approach it differently. And if we are less stressed or more open, then the person on the receiving end might be, too. I think calling it confrontation sets it up to feel stressful and or volatile. So we need to help our kids learn effective communication strategies, model it and role-play."

Work On it Together

Mom Kate has a quick-tempered child who leaps to confrontation easily. She says, "I’ve studied her, and it seems to be a defensive mechanism against social belonging anxiety. I see this because I’ve been the same way most of my life. So I talk to her about this being a thing she can work on, like I am, and we can work on it together sharing strategies. I also emphasize that the confidence to assert her own will, experience and point of view can be a superpower if channeled right. We're always looking for moments of productive conflict, to help her see the difference."

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• Dealing With Mean Streaks In Children
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