These Are The Most Effective Ways To Play With Your Child

My husband can play games like hide-and-seek, alligator and other made-up fun with our son for what seems like hours. When I "play a game" with my boy, you might find me sending him away to hide, so I can check my email. I’m terrible, but I just don’t have the same patience and stamina as my sweet partner.

Maybe I’m somewhat jealous of my husband's skills. But his mother (aka Nana), Ellen Fisher-Turk, works with kids as a Special Ed Itinerant Teacher and teaches play workshops, so he might have a slight leg up over me.

Fisher-Turk tells me, "Playing with your child is essential because it builds intimacy, encourages communication and your improves relationship — and it feels good to a child. Academically, playing expands your child's language. You also want to encourage pretending with a child because according to research, children who are big pretenders in their play turn out to be very intelligent." Sign me up for that one!

Researchers even consider playing to be children's work. "As kids get better at playing and repeat play themes, they improve skills like, fine motor and visual perception," says Fisher-Turk. "They achieve more and feel good about themselves, which is why play is a source for competence and mastery."

(At my son's pre-school the kids also say their play is their "work," and I find it hysterical how my kid says, "I'm busy doing my job!" when he plays with his toys at home.)

Nana is right, but while she is a master at playing with our little boy, this is not so easy for many parents — myself included! If you or your partner are having a tough time getting down and dirty and playing with your child, here are some ways to get started, according to Fisher-Turk:

Pretending

Playing pretend increases intelligence is kids, so this is a big one! You might want to do things like pretending you're firefighters or princesses together. Or, pick up a toy or block and pretend it's a phone and have a conversation. Pretending helps kids see beyond what exists and makes the mind more facile. You might feel crazy as an adult pretending you're someone or something else, but just channel that inner actor or actress in you, let loose and have fun.

Building

This technique is also called "scaffolding" among professionals, and it's when you build upon your child's ideas and stories. For example, if your child talks about a firetruck, you'd say something like, "Maybe we should call the fire company," so he can bring over some trucks. Then he adds to the story. In this way, your child picks up information and learns more about life.

Encouraging

When a child completes a task or game, try not to say, "Great job!" Instead try, "Wow, how did you do that?" or, "I want to build it like that. Can you show me?" Encourage the activity, but don't rate or evaluate it. If you constantly tell your child she did a great job, they might grow up thinking they're terrific and will be disappointed when they are not the only terrific kid on the block or do something that isn't so terrific. This might also lead them to try to produce for the parent. Instead, try to encourage your child to create and play for their own gratification.

Joining and Mirroring

Hyman Spotnitz, an American psychoanalyst and psychiatrist, created two play techniques called joining and mirroring. When you "join," you never take over the play or show your kid how to do things. Instead, the idea is to play as if you're equal.

When you "mirror" your child, you let them know that the same things happened to you so they don't feel unusual. For example, if a child complains about a situation like another kid taking away their toy, you might say, "That doesn't feel good." Then explain that a similar thing happened to you and you were also upset. Yes, you might have to dig deep for this one, but you can come up with something!

Ask for Help

One way to engage a child is to ask them to help you. If you're building with blocks, narrate as you go and say something like, "I'm going to put this one top, what do you think? Can you tell me where this goes?" Asking questions as you go, will empower your child, instead of showing your kid that you're capable on your own.

Last week, my husband was away on business for a week, so I knew I had to get my "game face" on and put real effort into playing with my boy if I wanted to enjoy our time together. So I put the gadgets away and gave in completely, and well, I actually let myself have fun.

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