What To Do When Your Mother Interferes With Your Parenting

Last week I mistakenly confessed to my mother that my toddler was acting like a “threenager” and yelling at me when he was in a mood (which is every day). I expected to get compassion from her. Instead, I got judgment:

"How can you let him talk to you like that? Nobody I know is raising children like you. I feel sorry for you that a 3-year-old can scream at you, and I feel sorry for him, too, because nobody is telling him that he is wrong. Can't you tell him to shut up?"

I would never yell at or old-school discipline a toddler in the way she suggests. What can I say? My mother and I don’t see eye to eye on most things — especially when it comes to parenting.

I have it easier with my mother-in-law. She does get a little pushy when it comes to getting my kid to eat or wear his hat in the cold, but that's probably just a grandmother thing.

If you’re like me and your relationship with your mother is riddled with conflict — even in your forties — it can get even more challenging once you have children and she makes her opinions about your parenting style known.

However, according to Cheri Fuller, author of "Mother-Daughter Duet: Getting to the Relationship You Want With Your Adult Daughter," this dynamic shift is normal. She says, "Although there are instances in which the daughter’s experience with her first baby can bring increased closeness, more often new tensions develop between daughter and her mom as the daughter individuates even more and moves away from her mother as she is developmentally supposed to do to make a new family. Plus, any left over resentment or anger left over from the teen years that were never resolved can add to tension."

Next week, I’m visiting my mother in Florida and I’m pretty nervous about the trip. I know my child won’t be as well-behaved as he was last year, since lately he’s been asserting his independence through tantrums. (He also might have inherited my mood swings.)

I also know she will be watching and criticizing my "lack of discipline" as he gets moody throughout the day. I might need some special daughter superpowers to handle her comments. Psychotherapist Donna Moss offered some advice when it comes to navigating the difficult relationships with their mothers and/or mother-in laws post-kids:

1. Keep it real. Find gentle ways to say, "I need some space," rather than attacking and putting her on the defensive.
2. Remind her that you have to make your own mistakes.
3. Each generation clings to its own myths about right or wrong. Take it with a grain of salt. Remember a whole generation disavowed breastfeeding.
4. Say, "I appreciate your help but I'm trying something different."
5. Remember that a mother-child bond is the closest on earth, so change takes time. Be glad your mother is alive and well.
6. Let go a little. You won't break the child. The calmer you are, the calmer everyone will be.
7. Step away from the scene. Say, "Mom I need a minute. Can we do this later?"
8. If a mom or mother-in-law is overly controlling, let her know you have boundaries, and that you won't stand for being pressured or ridiculed for being too lax or too harsh.
9. It's ok to disagree. Discuss and learn. Be curious. Maybe you'll learn something about your own childhood.
10. There is no perfect. Parents and grandparents make mistakes. Go back and try again. That's what growth is all about.

At the end of the day, we all love our mothers, even if they drive us mad. Let’s try to remember that they are doing the best they can with what they have, and focus on what we have in common: endless love for our cranky, sweet children.

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