What To Say (And Not To Say) To Those Dealing With Infertility

Getting pregnant is not always easy (or fun) for couples, and the subject can get touchy — even amongst close friends. My husband and I tried for a good three years to have a child. After a failed IVF treatment and me telling my husband that I absolutely didn't want a child (while sitting next to an obnoxious, inconsolable kid on a plane), I discovered I was pregnant. But you won’t hear me sharing that story with a couple trying to conceive, because it might just rub them the wrong way.

My friend Andrea Syrtash experienced fertility issues for nine years and went through about 18 fertility treatments. Every time we met, it seemed like her nightmare took a turn for the worse. First, she had open stomach surgery, then miscarriages and several failed IVF treatments. Finally, she discovered her body couldn't get pregnant, and gestational surrogates pulled out of contracts.

What she went through was beyond difficult, and it was hard to know what to say to her. I could just see her eyes roll back every time I made statements like, "Maybe just try not to want it so bad," "Have you tried acupuncture lately?" or, "Maybe you should just live your best life and travel the world as a rock star!"

That last line just came out of my mouth from nowhere, and I was probably projecting my own secret fantasy.

Syrtash, who is also a relationship expert, says, "When supporting people struggling with getting or staying pregnant, oftentimes people will give advice like, 'Just relax — it'll happen!' or, 'Just think positively!' but it's important to note that the American Medical Association and World Health Organization define infertility as a disease. If you have a medical issue, like endometriosis and blocked tubes, no amount of relaxation or thinking positively will help."

Meg Rutledge Keys, author of "The Waiting Line: What to Do and Not Do When Someone You Love is Struggling with Infertility," struggled with infertility herself. She says, "I realized I was swimming in a sea of confusion, sadness and anxiety, and my friends and family had no idea how to support me because infertility is so foreign to so many. Especially my friends sitting there with two or three kids and having no clue what I was going through. As with most things regarding infertility, the comments made me stronger and empowered me to a write a book to help solve what was an obvious problem."

I checked in with some moms who also have struggled with trying to conceive and here is what they suggest you might say (or not say) around them:

God and Adoption

"As someone who went through pregnancy loss and infertility, the platitudes were the worst. Saying things like, 'If it's meant to be, it will happen,' or, 'God has a plan' are totally unhelpful. People chiming in about adoption also feels like a serious boundary being crossed," says Erica Houskeeper.

No Advice

"I didn't mind talking about it but HATED any and all 'everything happens for a reason,' 'God has a plan,' or 'It will happen when you relax' type of talk. If you don't have a medical degree, please don't offer advice beyond, 'This sucks and I'm here for you,'" says Megan Zander.

Keep it Open-Ended

"I would try to not say too much because I have discovered that each person has a different set of things that hurt and help. So what helped me might be hurtful to another (a lot of times other women with infertility were the ones saying the most hurtful things even on accident). So I stick to things like, 'I am so sorry,' 'I am here if you want to talk,' or, 'How are you doing?' Lots of open-ended questions and validating their experiences," says Nikki Haverstock.

Be Sensitive to All

"After my stillbirth, I had someone who didn't know we'd been trying to get pregnant tell me, 'You're not getting any younger, you know!' Now that I have a child, I get, 'Don't you want another?' all the time. So my advice is that there are things you don't say to ANYONE with or without children because you never know what they're going through," says Nora Luongo.

That Story

"The story about your ____ who tried for the longest to get pregnant and then adopted and then later gave birth to a baby — just keep that story to yourself," says Marie Holmes.

It Will Happen

"'Don't worry, it will happen,' used to drive me crazy. It was so unhelpful. But, you know, now that I'm a mom, they were right. But still!" says Amber Roshay.

Holidays

"Remember them on the hard holidays, like Mother's Day and Christmas, the holidays centered around kids. Send them a card in the mail or a text saying you're thinking about them. If they've lost a baby, acknowledge that and say their baby's name," says Risa Nicole.

Rutledge Keys explains some other things you can say:

• "'Tell me everything you want to share about how it's going.' Ask how it's going and listen until your person is done talking. Say, 'tell me more' from time to time. Don't change the subject until they do."
• "Ask questions about your person's treatment plan and note significant test days. It means a lot to get a text from a friend on important milestone appointment days. Mantra bracelets or jewelry with positive words or messages are a great token of support."
• "Send a card in the mail. (Skip the part about, 'I can't imagine what you're going through!' We do it because we have to. Acting astonished at our struggle can be isolating.)"

Syrtash adds, "People also say, 'Don't stress.' A better thing to say to someone struggling with infertility is, 'Of course you're stressed. I'm so sorry you're going through this.'"

Syrtash did finally have a beautiful baby girl, after her cousin generously offered to be her gestational carrier (basically, Andrea and her husband's embryo was carried in her cousin's body). It was an incredible story with a happy ending. Through her challenges, Andrea launched the site Pregnantish to help other couples through their fertility issues, and her company has grown tremendously.

She also just returned from Resolve: The National Infertility Association's Advocacy Day, where groups of people from around the country advocated on Capitol Hill for those with infertility, those who may need to preserve their fertility (i.e., cancer patients) and those who need more access to treatment.

I asked Syrtash if she thought her struggles happened in order to lead her to this amazing place. She suggested that while it's true her infertility led her to many good things, like starting a great company, meeting new friends and finding her passion to advocate for others struggling with infertility, it's usually not a good idea to tell people that their painful experience made sense or led to something good. That's for them to decide.

Lesson learned.

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