When Your Child's Need To Win Goes Too Far

My 3-year-old is becoming a bit of an egomaniac these days. He says that he’s the best, the biggest and the fastest, at least 10 times a day. When he sees another kid around his age, he’ll claim he’s taller (even when he’s clearly not). When we play games like Candy Land, he has to win or else he will have a meltdown, which is no fun for anyone.

I don't always dig this attitude, and I often wonder what it's about and where it’s going.

Luckily, psychologist Dafne Milne assured me that this ego-driven mentality is normal at this stage, as discovered by developmental psychologist Erik Erikson. "The ages between 2 and 4 years old are characterized by "autonomy vs. shame or doubt,'" she explains. "At this stage, ... children become aware of their own interests, while also mastering autonomous skills like getting dressed and eating on their own. Part of learning more about one's own autonomy means testing one's own limits. This can often emerge as wishing to be in control, to win, to be right."

Rebecca Parlakian, Senior Director of Programs at ZERO TO THREE, adds,"Preschoolers are still developing emotional regulation and learning how to manage strong feelings. When they win, they are overjoyed. When they lose, the world is ending. So their responses may feel out-of-proportion to the situation, which is a reflection of their growing self-regulatory capacity."

Milne says, "This emergence of self-efficacy and satisfaction from 'winning' or 'being better' can unfortunately also come at the expense of empathy, a skill which the big people in their lives are there to assist with as they navigate their new-found awesome skills. That's the part that can be hard, because empathy can be so much less fun than winning all the time!"

It's true winning feels good to everyone, even parents, and for toddlers that feeling of winning is amplified, putting them in a big state of euphoria. But does this competitive spirit give our kids (and everyone for that matter) anxiety? And will it ever wear off?

Parlakian says, "Our world is full of different facets of competition, some that may matter to us quite a bit (like a teen who wants to be valedictorian) and others that might not matter as much (like not caring that your neighbor just bought a Porsche). I don’t think the competitive spirit ends. Hopefully what ends are the tantrums or 'acting out' emotionally that we see from preschoolers who are still learning about empathy and emotional regulation."

Parlakian offers these tips to parents with children who constantly feel the need to win:

Don't over-emphasize winning.

Instead of asking, “Who won?” ask, “How did you play?” or, “What were you most proud of in the game?” Choose cooperative or team-based games sometimes so that the focus isn’t always on a sole “winner” but on working as a team. Peaceable Kingdom’s “Hoot Owl Hoot” game is a great example.

Let them feel their feelings — within reason.

When your child is losing it because he or she lost, validate how they’re feeling (“You are really sad and frustrated about losing”), set limits if needed (“But it’s not okay to throw the game pieces”) and offer a choice (“Would you like to have a glass of water or jump up and down a few times to help you feel calm again?”).

Teach them to be gracious after losing...

Once your child is feeling calm, talk through what happened. Reinforce the messages that everyone wins sometimes and loses sometimes, that games are supposed to be fun, that even if you lose, you are still a good person and that there’s always something we did well even if we lost. These tips teach children to be gracious losers. Remember, though, that nobody holds it together every time they lose — even adults — and learning to be a "good loser" is a tough skill.

...And after winning.

If your preschooler is crowing about how they won and they’re the best, encourage empathy by asking, "Hey, how do you think your friend feels when he/she hears you say that?" Avoid shaming your child; ask this question without judgment. Explore things your child can do to reach out to his co-player, like having the two children high-five, or modeling for your child how to say, “Good game,” or, “It was fun playing with you.” This teaches children to be compassionate, gracious winners.

Be a role model.

It’s hard to talk about how winning and losing don’t matter when you’re screaming at the television after your favorite team loses in the play-offs. Show your child through your own actions that it’s not the score that defines us as people, but how we play the game.

Maybe we all want to win, and that's not always a bad thing. But if you're an egoless hippie at heart like I am, it's nice to know that this is a normal stage of child development and that you're not raising the next Napoleon. Until then, enjoy those games and races with your toddlers and may you all win.

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