Why Kids Shouldn't Be Forced To Share

Last year, I was at the playground when my (then) almost 2-year-old spotted another kid holding two shiny, big trucks. He went over to him, crying and asking — then begging — to play with either one. The dad standing by the child told him “It’s okay, son, you don’t have to share.” The boy was actually pretty indifferent and would have been fine sharing the truck with my son, but it was the dad who squashed the whole deal.

I was a bit shocked. "The nerve of this dad," I thought. As my kid started crying even more, I carried him away while whispering some not-so-nice things in my head. The dad's response confused me. Was he just not a nice guy or did he know something about sharing that I didn’t get— or maybe a combination of both?

A few months later, we arrived in preschool and the topic of sharing came up. Of course, no child was sharing the toys they were playing with too easily.

According to a piece on famlii.com called, "Mine! Why Your Two Year Old Can’t Share," here’s why toddlers don’t like to share:

• They define themselves by their possessions.
• Their timing is off and think the item will be gone forever.
• They can't understand how others feel, let alone how they feel!

Then there was my child, who at the time wasn’t putting up too much of a fight when kids wanted the trains or animals he was playing with.

In his case, the teachers were actually telling him to not give up his toys too and to not share if he didn’t feel like it. They were actually trying to protect him from getting bullied or pushed around. Were they on the same parenting page of some philosophy that the dad in the park was on?

I checked in with my son's teacher in his 3-year-old class this year and the Director of Education, Irene Balint-Wemer, and she explained, "Children do share and are encouraged to share. And teachers model sharing all the time in the classroom. BUT they are not forced to share. When they are 'ready' they will share on their own."

Here is why, she explained, kids shouldn't be forced to share:

• No one shares everything. Adults don't share everything. Children are living in this same world.
• Children need to know they have a voice in their decision-making.
• Children should not be interrupted or forced to give up what they are working with, because the child might be mastering a skill.
• Children need to learn what to do with their feelings when they are disappointed or things don't go their way.
• Children need to learn respect when another child makes a decision they don't like and they don't get their way.
• When a child is ready, they will share naturally!

That makes a lot of sense to me, and I can now see why we don't always need to force our kids to share. Do I think that dad could have been nicer about it? Sure. But hey, maybe he was having a bad day. When my kid wants a toy that another kid is using, I tell him that he can play with it as soon as that kid is done.

All of this teaches our children to learn how to wait, which still is a hard lesson for us in this house! (Yes, toddler and mom included.) Either way, sharing will eventually get easier and until then, you won't see me bringing any large, shiny cars to the park.