Why Is My Child Obsessed With 'Good Guys Versus Bad Guys'?

My 4-year-old son has recently become obsessed with the notion of "good guys" and "bad guys." When referring to characters and people, he’s constantly asking me, "Is he a bad guy?" Sometimes I’ll respond, “No person is exactly one way. Sometimes the bad guys become the good guys and the good guys become the bad guys.” But he just looks at me with a blank stare and firmly responds, "No, he’s a bad guy!"

Of course, it doesn't help that he runs around the playground playing games that involve chasing the bad guys with his friends. When I asked my husband about our boy's good guy/bad guy play, he went into a deep explanation of how when we are born, we are in unity with the world and our differences are inconsequential. (He was a philosophy major.)

He also thought that as we develop, so does our need to label and separate in order to make sense of the world. Other moms agree. Mom Meg says, "This is developmental as kids learn to categorize their world." Mom Risa adds, "It is completely age-appropriate and important developmentally. It’s how they start developing a moral code. The nuance comes later."

Maybe the research and educators support this behavior, but I still question it and secretly want it to stop — okay, maybe not so secretly.

Mom Mackenzie says, "My daughter is obsessed with 'bad boys' or villains and it only started after watching 'Spider-Man.' We tried to explain that there are no bad boys, just people who make less than optimal decisions. It’s hard though when the idea of bad people and good people are in almost every movie!"

Yes, it's hard to fight against the world and try to make our kids believe we live in a utopian society. Sometimes I forget myself, especially since I stopped watching cable!

But mom Nicole thinks we should let our kids have their good guys and bad guys. She says, "All of my four kids have gone through this stage. Kids classify everything, including people. It helps simplify the world for them so that they can make sense of it. Young children are concrete thinkers. Things are all good or all bad. There is no need to dismantle or 'make it stop' because children’s brains will naturally develop more complex ways of understanding the world as they grow."

"On the other hand, if you try to deny their concrete way of thinking, you might just stress them out and confuse them," Nicole adds.

Psychologist Emily W. King, Ph.D. agrees and says that we shouldn't do anything except let our kids play, as long as they're not hurting anyone.

"Children are exploring their feelings through play and these are necessary play experiences for emotional development," she says. "They are exploring how they feel being the 'good guy' and the 'bad guy.' Just remember that young children are very concrete and are often not yet capable of thinking about the world in a complex way. Abstract thought develops later in elementary-age children. Piaget explained this theory."

As much as everyone tells me to let my boy be and he will grow out of this phase, I’m not so convinced. It seems like most adults continue to label the world a similar way, even if they aren't conscious about it.

Mom Kat agrees and says, "I think it’s a stage but also something our society sets from a young age. I’ve been dismantling the 'Cops get the bad guys!' narrative whenever I can, and while my 4-year-old is still like, 'Okay, cool, nice story, Mom,' my now 8-year-old can more critically assess a situation, and it’s pretty cool."

Here is how some moms talk to their kids to help them see beyond good guys and bad guys, even if it doesn't always work:

Doing Is Not Being

Kids are still learning how to follow the rules, so it's only natural that they need to distinguish between the two somehow. Mom Elle points out, " The rule-breakers are usually seen as bad. However, it’s important to remind them that doing something 'bad' doesn’t make someone bad. People are constantly learning and making mistakes."

We Can Always Change

Mom Linnea says, "Remember they are trying to figure out justice, social cues, right and wrong and all that stuff, so it makes sense they say good and bad guys. We always try and state that someone can be bad and then turn good, and someone can be good and do bad things."

Keep Questioning

Questioning your kids can also help start a positive conversation. Mom Carolyn says she challenges her 5-year-old twin boys to question why some people make bad decisions and how the good guys can help the bad guys do good, instead of just wanting the bad guy eliminated.

Yes, on some level our kids will outgrow this good guy and bad guys bit — which will hopefully stick through adulthood! Until then, I’ll be more understanding of my kid's interest in chasing or even hurting the bad guys, while nonchalantly slipping in some hippie lessons about being peaceful and loving to all, as well!

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