Would You Get A Pregnancy Prenup?

In a recent segment on "Good Morning America," a couple talked about their decision to create a "pregnancy prenup," a contract that helped them document their expectations for each other as parents. The dad explained he needed some clarification because he’s "not a mind reader."

There’s no doubt we are all big planners these days, but is this taking our need for control and preparation a bit too far? It’s not a bad idea to be clear about what responsibilities you and your partner might handle after you bring your new baby home — but then again, if your relationship is solid, all that should figure itself out, right?

Melissa Bigs, a mom from Connecticut who created a pregnancy prenup with her husband, says it was helpful in her case. “We had different expectations of how things should be done. We wrote out everything to set up clear expectations for each party," she says.

When my husband and I brought our little guy home, we barely got a wink of sleep the first few nights (I mean years), and we both did everything we needed to survive. Sure, there were arguments here and there as we disagreed on certain decisions in the middle of the night. But waking up at 3 a.m. to a crying baby will make anyone irritable, with or without a prenup.

For mom Shana, prenups seem like a way to build resentment in your relationship. "Parenting shouldn't be about keeping score," she says. "Talk about your expectations with your partner, but remember that parenting comes in seasons and different parents fill different roles, not necessarily by choice. If your kid is going through a Mommy phase (or generally is just a Mommy kid), it really doesn't matter if you made a plan to split childcare duties 50/50. But that phase probably won't last forever. Nothing ever does.”

Mom Hannah feels similarly. “I don't appreciate the whole concept of treating a partner like a naughty child who needs a behavior chart,” she says.

But can a baby prenup be beneficial when it comes to a breakup or failed marriage? Mom Joanna believes so and wishes she created one when she was married. After having a child, her husband disappeared regularly and finally called it quits after a year.

"I did everything by myself with some support from family," she recalls. "A recent self-discovery I had was something that resembles this baby prenup concept. I’d do it again with someone if we could outline expectations in writing. My friends who didn’t discuss parental expectations before or during pregnancy seem to be constantly disappointed in their partners. Also, an attorney friend of mine once advised to always make prenups (or other types of agreements) when you’re in love rather than in a fight. The outcomes can be significantly different."

Jill Savage, marriage coach and author of "No More Perfect Marriages" agrees. "In general, any kind of strategy conversation is healthy for a marriage, whether you call it a 'baby prenup' or you just call it 'proactive healthy communication and conversation,'" she says.

While Savage believes such conversations can help couples think through circumstances and plan successful strategies, she emphasizes the importance of flexibility and revisiting the terms after living with them for a while. "You don’t know what you don’t know, so you need to come back and evaluate your strategy and determine if it really does work now that you’re living in the circumstances you were planning for," she explains. "We encourage couples to already have a follow-up conversation scheduled on the calendar to revisit the strategy they had set and have now lived out for a few weeks. This keeps conflict at bay and assures them they’ll have a time and place to talk through concerns or needed adjustments."

Whether a prenup is for you or not, here are some suggestions for keeping your marriage strong after having a baby and dealing with those sleepless nights:

1. Keep your marriage the priority. This will actually give your child the stability he or she needs. When Mommy and Daddy are OK, your child’s world is OK. Plus, one day it will be just the two of you again and you need to keep that relationship nurtured.

2. Schedule sex. Sounds crazy, but this is often one of the hardest things for couples to adjust. Putting sex on the calendar can be helpful. Find a routine that works for both of you and then enjoy the anticipation that having it on the calendar actually provides.

3. Don’t be afraid to leave your child. You will need a break. You will need some time for just the two of you. Do you have family that could provide a break? Could you trade sitting with another couple for date nights?

4. Keep flirting and having fun together. You have to work to keep the spark in your marriage. Use something like the Bitmoji app or tap into our Flirt Alert reminders to give you easy ways to send the love back and forth by text or email.

5. Ask for what you need. Too often we complain rather than request. Resist thinking that your spouse should “just know” or should “just do that” because he or she is an adult and should see things. Your spouse is a different person than you and doesn’t see the same things that need to be done that you see. Simply ask with kindness and believing the best in him or her and they’ll be likely to respond positively.

Whether documented in a formal agreement like a baby prenup or not, communication and clarification are always the keys to a successful marriage. Talk about who will focus on what when baby arrives. Or maybe you both are committed to jumping in whenever needed, and responsibilities will naturally fall into place. Either way, just make sure that all your conversations about your roles happen long before 3 a.m., when you are both well rested!

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• 5 Ways To Model Healthy Marriage Habits To Your Kids
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• 5 Ways To Avoid A Mommy Meltdown