Is Your Parenting Style Helping Or Hurting Your Kids?

Recent headlines suggest upper-middle class families in America might be overdoing it when it comes to parenting — the latest college admissions scandal in which parents paid up to millions of dollars to get their kids into college is just one example.

Growing up, I had good parents who loved me, but when I told my mother I was bored and needed attention, her response was, "What? I should bring you a circus?" Then she'd go back to watching the local news blasting on our television.

As a mom of a 3-year-old today, I often find myself taking the opposite approach, and my days mostly revolve around him. "Want to go to the park, the zoo or the kiddie gym today?" is what I usually ask him when he wakes up. When he’s happy, I’m happy!

But, maybe I go too far. The other evening we went to a restaurant and after sitting down, our boy started whimpering and whining that he didn't want to eat and wanted to go home. We could have made him stay while we dined. Instead, we apologized to the waiter, explained that our son wasn’t hungry and left. As we walked out, I heard my mother's voice in my head saying, “What are you doing? Make him sit and eat!”

(Side note: I also sometimes let him cheat when we're playing Candyland.)

I checked in with psychologist Dafne Milne about the fine line between helping and hurting our kids. Her response was, "Helping may mean helping yourself as a parent, and your child, get through an outing without a challenge and giving in where you can (pick your battles!). But sometimes, helping means encountering the tough things (there will be plenty in life) and assisting your child through it. Whether it’s a limit on the desired activity, setting a boundary that is important to you as a parent because your needs matter too, or processing feeling bored, these are opportunities to learn and grow."

Catherine Pearlman, Ph.D., LCSW, the author of "Ignore It!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction" agrees, and cautions parents against going too far while trying to prevent discomfort or negative consequences. "Kids need to feel the pain of their decisions to learn from them," she says. "While a parent may think she is helping by going to school midday to provide a forgotten assignment or piece of equipment, the parent is actually getting in the way of the child learning how to better prepare in the future. Natural consequences help kids learn from their mistakes. Parents should allow kids to feel these consequences as a learning opportunity and not 'help' resolve the situation."

Pearlman adds that parents should ask themselves these questions in confusing moments to figure out whether they are actually helping or hurting:

1. Will my response improve the situation now but potentially make things worse in the future? If the answer is yes, change the approach.

2. Will my response reinforce misbehavior by providing a reward (attention, getting out of something unpleasant, sweets or treats)? If so, don’t do it. Providing a reward will encourage misbehavior in the future.

3. Is my child having a hard time right now because he/she is hungry, tired or not feeling well? If the answer is yes, go ahead and help out a little. That is not the time to push a child or provide a lesson.

Milne adds some dos and don'ts if you're still unsure about going too far:

Don't...

1. Avoid teaching moments just because they may be harder than giving in. Kids need the practice being disappointed, frustrated, bored, etc.

2. Always go for immediate gratification if it means giving up your values.

3. Put too much pressure on yourself. There really are no rules for how to do this!

Do...

1. Be aware of the ways your child’s expression of feelings affect you and your decisions. Sometimes “helping” turns into avoiding that bad feeling of upsetting your little one.

2. Pick your battles for your own sanity, in order to have the patience for important teaching opportunities.

3. Take advantage of moments to model your values for your growing little one even if it takes a little more time.

"Children don’t need a parent that always makes them feel good," says Milne, "they need a parent who dependably helps them to see that sometimes things don’t feel good, but their love is always there and they can get through it together."

That might mean that my kid doesn't get to pick the Princess Frostine ice-cream card every time we play Candyland, but hopefully, we can find our way to a sweeter place together.