Top Five Reasons Not to Work Out

Recently, like a wide-eyed child who inserts himself into a half-finished conversation he wasn’t invited into, I naively jumped on my soap box in response to a here on the Patch.

My editor reassured me that the author, although he insisted in the title that he was, in fact, serious, was, apparently, not. When you read the post over carefully from a neutral perspective, I guess it’s pretty obvious that he was being ironic, but I got my dander up and squawked “foul!” just the same. I got played.

So, to save you the embarrassment I suffered publicly, I’ll let you know up front with the piece below – I’m just kidding.

So here they are — the top five reasons NOT to work out:

1. You’ll be expected to do more than all your less fit friends. This is obviously a bad idea because you’ll get recruited to help people pack and carry boxes and furniture when they’re too cheap to hire a moving company. And they’ll know that you’ll be less likely to take frequent breaks, leaving most of the beer and pizza for the others who’ll need a break after taking one lamp to the truck.
2. You’ll miss work less often. Let’s face it, it’s much easier to elicit sympathy with that call to your boss if you really do have a bad cold (or better yet, that deep, loose smoker’s hack), than if you just plain want to take the day off but you’re feeling great. They usually say stuff like “You sound really bad” and “Stay home and get some rest” with real compassion in their voices when your congestion-laden gravel voice is authentic. Who doesn’t like to hear that?
3. You’ll have to eat more often, especially if you eat lots of fruits and vegetables, which are loaded with nutrients but not too many calories. The other bad part is that you just won’t want as much sugar, salt or grease since your body will start craving vitamins, minerals and protein to get you through those horrendous workouts. Is it really a full life without the triple-stack hotcakes, three-egg omelet, glistening sausage, bacon soaking in maple syrup Sunday morning breakfast that fills you up until 8 p.m.?
4. You’ll look too good. I know this sounds like it might be a good thing, but it’s actually terrible. When people see your firm body, great posture and vitality, your days with true friends are surely numbered. I mean, really, who wants to hang out with someone who’s not only physically impressive, but with a positive attitude, and disciplined and self-confident as well. What a buzz-kill.
5. You’ll probably grow older and be healthier longer, and therefore a burden to your own retirement-aged children and the economy at large. By actually enjoying truly active Autumn years, you’re likely to invite the envy and disdain of those who still have a couple of decades of full-time work to look forward to but who can’t get up a flight of stairs as easily as you can, Grandma (or Gramps, as it pertains to you personally).

I hope I’ve convinced you to stay off the fitness track, which is quite clearly a no-win situation. Now that my work is done, I think I’ll settle in for a nice bowl of ice cream and another episode of the Biggest Loser.

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Above are pictures from the Pleasanton Half Marathon . It was a blast.

Want to talk in-person? I’m usually at the studio and can always be reached at Dan@TriValleyTrainer.com .