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The Weekly Trumpette: Bringing Credibility to Alternate Facts and Fake News
Political Satire
May 8, 2017 in the year of our Lord
Outraged, President Trump, banged his $750 Gucci shoe on the Oval Office presidential desk then berated his Chief of Staff, Reince Priebus, for his failure to wrest funds to build his Mexican Wall. “I demand the head of every Republican congressman who has voted against money for my Wall! As for the Democrats, torture them first.”
Priebus has been under significant fire recently being accused of not being born in the U.S. In fact, many are not sure where he could have been born with such a family name. After genuflecting the Chief of Staff ran from the office.
Find out what's happening in New Port Richeyfor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Trump continued to slam his shoe so hard that the Portrait of George Washington fell damaging the 230-year-old painting and frame. Wilbur Ross, Trump’s Commerce Secretary, burst into the office and asked if anyone was hurt. Trump glared at Ross, “Good, I never liked George Washington, he was a lousy General who never won a battle. Because of him, we will never get out of debt to those lousy Frenchmen!”
In other news, Anti-Trump marchers began fighting with each other unable to decide what issue to march against. A scream of “No Wall,” was heard. “Healthcare,” one demonstrator cried, but he was punched by another who felt Trump’s tax returns were more important. Many were seen tearing up their signs as the 10,000-man brawl continued. Riot police were called with the fighting continuing far into the night.
Find out what's happening in New Port Richeyfor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Pro-Trump agitators were seen quietly sitting on the curbs with their Billy Clubs and Brickbats beside them. CNN interviewed Oscar Snow, the President of a local White Supremacist group, “It’s all very disheartening,” Snow said, “We came here to beat up those ‘pinko-commies’ and there they are fighting with each other. If it doesn’t stop in the next hour, we’ll go home.”
Finally, while walking in the White House’s Rose Garden, The President was asked by CBS News Anchor, Scott Pelley, about his concerns relating to the another failed Republican healthcare bill. An irritated Trump took back the rose he offered Pelley and claimed, “I will get my health care bill if I have to personally pay for every American’s health care!” A content Trump ran into a side entrance leaving a shocked Pelley bereft of the rose.
And that’s all there is!