How to Survive Mac & Cheese Fest

Two years ago, I was asked to judge Mac & Cheese Fest. I was among a former Chicago food TV show host, a Le Cordon Bleu chef and instructor, an Instagram brand developer for food and fashion with 32,000-plus followers and a published food writer. I’m a full-time hospital philanthropy writer and a freelance magazine writer. I was more than a little out of my league.

But despite my lack of professional-food experience, by the end of that lengthy evening, I had tasted 25 of the 48 macs offered in the 2015 dinner session and I’m still alive today. It wasn’t easy. In the fight for the Golden Noodle prize, the participating chefs bring the richness on top of two already heavy-as-hell ingredients: all forms of fatty pork, beef, chicken, truffle oil, extra creamy sauces, added bread (one restaurant in 2015 wrapped their mac in an apple pie).

This food fest is far more daunting than people think. A few missteps will send a visitor into a painful gutbust coma that might lead to early exits and desperate bathroom searching. That’s a shame because it’s a lot more fun to take light-on-feet laps around the UIC Forum, gently enjoying these decadent delights while still standing and smiling and commiserating with the people who worked hard to feed the visitors.

This is a marathon, not a race. Here’s how to reach the finish line.

Prepare with greens

Fasting is becoming more popular as a way to reboot the body and hold appetites down from American hugeness. That’s how Jimmy Kimmel lost weight. But mac & cheese is engineered to appeal to our base American eating pleasure centers. Go into the fest starving and at the first scent of sharp cheddar, you’ll pound entire samples from the first stalls you visit in minutes flat. Early in my judging rounds, I heard people saying “I’m going to explode.” I saw those folks soon succumb to sauce-drenched pork belly and whole spoonfuls of cheesy breadcrumb topping. Be patient and be sensible, grasshopper.

Eat vegetables only leading up the event. Salad all day. Your body still might hate you the next day but at least you cared for it a little before the bludgeoning.

The ‘two or three bites max’ rule

Before I was released to test my unproven judging prowess, I received some sage advice that saved me from my own overindulging instincts. “Take two to three bites, max,” said fellow judge John Abels-Kohles when I asked him how best to approach this event. Despite some serious urges, I stuck to it, thwarting deep-seated Jewish familial instincts to not waste food as I threw away unfinished dishes.

You might think “but I LOVE this one. It has candied bacon.” Sure, but what might you be missing? Do you want that weighing on you? I didn’t find my 2015 favorite, Amazing Edibles Catering’s white cheddar with bacon jam mac, until we neared the end.

Find a place to sit down

Maybe the idea of throwing food away upsets you. That’s a good thing. Use that mindset to your advantage. Get a few samples. Tell your companion(s) to get some samples. Find a corner somewhere and sit down. Relax. Share your spoils while adhering to the “two-or-three bites” rule. People watch. Make fun of the glazed look on the faces of those who paid for admission and maybe spent 30 minutes at the event before reaching the point of maximum stuffed. You’ll know the look. It’s a pained and tired thousand-yard gaze that sweeps the room in what looks like slow motion.

Sip beer. Really, just sip

Yes there’s alcohol there. Yes there’s a real connection to drunkeness and unwise food consumption. Yes, it might sound like fun to get buzzed and just eat everything in sight. But that’s not how you win the marathon. Remember that glazed look I just described? Multiply the pain and inertia by a thousand and you have the glaze of the mac drunk. Don’t ever be this person.

Sipping on beer will clean your mouth out for new flavors and give you something else to do other than eat. And speaking of doing things other than eating….

Be patient, be kind and talk to the people serving you

Fellow judge Teddy Brunson said he once saw a man flip the table at a booth of another food fest because they had run out of their one item despite several other stalls that were still slinging. Definitely don’t ever be that garbage person here or anywhere. There will be plenty to eat, I promise.

I found in talking to the people working the stalls that they had interesting stories for the recipes: honoring mentors who gave them their starts; paying tribute to comforting family meals; adding their ethnic upbringing to an American standby. In other words, as great chefs do, they’re trying to tell a short story with those bites placed in your hands. Be a good person and listen a little in between the eating. The experience will be that much more enjoyable, both for you and those working.

Have fun, and remember to go the gym the next day.