Loving Maida: I Miss You, Mom

My mother was my best friend for most of my adult life. I can't count the number of times in a day that I called her just to share my day. A walk with the dogs always began with grabbing the dogs's leashes, my water bottle and my iPhone ear piece just so I could call her to discuss whatever topic was relevant at the moment. A drive in the car to a client appointment or home from one was spent calling Mom to discuss every single aspect and how it turned out. She was my rock and always rooted for me in every aspect of my life.

My mom had a love and respect for me that was overwhelming. From how I raised my son to how I got back on my feet after divorce to how I changed careers at the most challenging time in my life after losing everything I had, I always knew that she looked at me in awe. She used to say, "I don't see how you do all of this and stay so positive." Many discussions ended with me giving her a quote from Les Brown, Tony Robbins or Jim Rohn. She just thought that my interest in personally developing myself and focusing on the good was so unique. I would even print out quotes for her and mail them to her. I discovered later that she would pin them up on the wall in various rooms at her house.

My mother is Maida Klenner and she was probably the smartest person I ever met in my life. Unfortunately, that didn't always equate to common sense, as some of her choices in a partner were far less than what she deserved. I suspect that she never really thought she deserved much after losing my father in 1970. He was the love of her life and they had the most amazing 8 years of joy and pain together. I regret that I didn't know the person that she was back then. I would give anything in this world to have experienced seeing her experience happiness at the level that she did with my father.

Mom moved to West Virginia with her 'significant other' after she retired from the US government in 1998. Excited for a new purpose, she went there to work a business for my uncle. Unfortunately, it just didn't pan out and she became rather disenamored with living there. In fact, so many times she tried to put a contract on a home in Northern Virginia and make her way back, but there was always a permanent road block living with her.

Unfortunately in 2009 I sensed some unusual memory mis-steps and encouraged her to find out what was going on. It took her 3 years to take it seriously, and in 2012 she was officially diagnosed with Vascular Dementia due to the trauma of smoking cigarettes all of her life. The moment we walked out of the Doctor's office at the UVA Hospital in Charlottesville, she never lit up again. She finally took it seriously. One of the two major areas in my life where we just didn't see eye to eye was her smoking. We often had a conflict over the topic, and I would always lose.

Over the course of the next 3 years I saw her mostly on holidays when they would come into town and stay with me for a week or so. I always looked forward to it. Christmas 2014 was definitely a turning point and I saw it so clearly. Having such clarity at one moment and then having the exact same conversation moments later where she seemed to really grasp the conversation all over again, but had no memory of it just moments prior. I remember showing her a video about the amazing health benefits of Coconut oil and the diet Dr. Mary Newport designed for her husband with Alzheimers disease. Mom was very impressed and said she would try it right away. When I mentioned 10 minutes later how she should put it on her list to purchase when she got home, she didn't know what I meant. I showed her the video again and she was really impressed all over again, but had no memory of having just seen it. I had an unbelievable anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks right then. I knew... but hoped I was wrong. I wasn't.

Over the next few years, her significant other did his very best to keep her at bey. Calls went unanswered for days and were often never returned. Challenging him on the talk time was futile at best and would often be met with getting punished by not having access to her. Making the 5.5 hour drive to visit was out of the question because he controlled everything. It was so challenging. Visiting at Christmas was skipped with plans to come later. My visits there were acceptable, until it was a week or so out when I'd be asked to reschedule due to a Doctor appointments or a cold. Months turned into a year.

When I stopped by in May of 2017 in route to my Grandmother's funeral (as planned), he wouldn't allow Mom to go with me. In fact, the visit was limited and extremely uncomfortable. On the advice from an attorney I had to leave it alone.

I called several times a week but would often not be able to speak with her because she was napping or just not feeling like speaking, or many times just didn't remember who I was. I didn't realize how bad it was because of having such little access to her.

In December, I sent flowers and called on her birthday but couldn't reach them for 3 days. When he finally answered he didn't let me speak w/ her but I said I was coming to visit. On December 23rd, 24th and on Christmas day I called and there was no answer. I called daily everyday until January 3rd when I could feel that something was wrong. I called the local police and asked if they could to go by to check on them. I learned that they had been found after what appeared to be a home invasion and that "HE" had been badly beaten and had been found unconscious after several days on the floor. Mom had been unattended with no food or water or meds because of this. The police said she was very confused. But they were rescued and taken to the hospital.

On January 3rd, I went to West Virginia and visited her in the Hospital. She was admitted for almost 10 days and I had her transported to a rehab in Manassas where she began to really thrive. She went from not opening her eyes to getting strong enough to walk and step up stairs and did amazing with physical therapy. And boy did she love to eat! Watching mom eat good food was like watching someone discover food for the first time, every time. By the end of February she came to live with me. I wasn't prepared, didn't have any idea what was in store and got in over my head immediately. Although I had heard of it and understood what it was, I didn't really get the true picture of sun downing or the mood swings that come with advanced dementia.

There were many days that I found myself in tears and many days when I just had no idea as to what to do or how to handle her anger. It took a while for us to really get to know each other again and over time, she began trusting me. I learned how to talk to her so that she was far less likely to have an episode, but at least once a week she decided she was moving out! She would grab whatever clothing item was in front of her, possibly even a bed pad or a blanket and head for the front door. Luckily, I had the foresight to place a child safety lock on the door, but there were a few times when we forgot to engage the lock. To my delight, she discovered that the cold February air prevented her escape.

I learned "how" to wake her up in the morning without scaring her or how to handle when she'd get out of bed during the night. I learned how to seamlessly get her into the shower & dressed, figured out what order was best to dispense her medications and what worked to get her to take a breathing treatment. After interviewing many different potential home care aides, I landed upon two amazing women who worked with my mom and made my life work. I can't say enough about Alicia, who came to me through Care.com and was able to pick up and fit in just like family. In fact, through this process Alicia became family.

After paying $1,000 a week for a few months for the care we needed, I realized very quickly that there was just no way that this plan could be sustained. There had to be another way. I looked everywhere. The costs of Elder or Senior care in Virginia are just impossible. Putting mom into any care that I would trust would cost $6,000 a month on the low end. I just wasn't prepared for that, and we were running out of funds with the home care option. Medicare didn't pay, she had no long term policies and I tried applying to Medicaid. Unfortunately, her income was just above the limits to qualify. No deal!

On complete accident, or perhaps due to divine intervention, I learned of an Elder Care home right here in Woodbridge that offered residential care with a huge room and around the clock love and attention for mom. Her pull-up pants, diapers, food, utilities and everything was covered in the cost and she could move in any time. It's an Elder care home through a local church, and although mom and I had no affiliation, they accept anyone in the community who needs care and love. After cautiously doing my due diligence and checking out the people, the church and everything I could about this place, I learned that they were truly just women of God who pride themselves on giving love to those who need it. I remember asking how they could quote me such an amazing rate. As I said to the Pastor who runs the home, "I couldn't find that rate in my dreams." And trust me, I have searched!

Mom moved into the Elder care facility on March 17th and while her first few nights were a challenge with new caregivers, she settled in quite nicely over the next few days.

Photo Courtesy of Elder Hinton of Open Door Elder Care on her 4th day there

Unfortunately, over the course of the next 2 weeks she seemed to have trouble with her stomach and digestion. She was clearly dealing with pain in her stomach and it didn't seem to be getting better. I'll never forget coming in that Sunday and seeing the look on her face. It wasn't an acute pain or anything that caused anyone there alarm, but knowing mom as I did, I could sense that something was just off. I decided to take her to the hospital just to double check.

We arrived there at 6pm and she was discharged at 5am on April 1st after every test you could think of in an ER. It was a very long and challenging night. The ER doctor said that she definitely had some stomach digestive issues that they could help relieve, but then asked, "by the way, when was she diagnosed with Cancer?" Completely confused and taken aback, I responded with, "uh, never!" But I was told that she had tumors in her liver and should go to an Oncologist as soon as possible. We were in the office of a local Oncologist within 48 hours.

Over the course of the next 2 weeks I took her for more CT scans, MRI's and a biopsy. By April 16th, on the date I was meeting with the Oncologist, Mom couldn't walk and was pretty much in a semi-conscious state most of the time. Even when she was sitting up her eyes were closed and just responded here and there in conversation. My aunt went with me to the appointment at the Oncologist's office where we were given the worst news I could have heard, and certainly not what I expected. Mom had small-cell lung cancer and was given "weeks" to live. I was in shock and just didn't know what to do.

I gave up everything on my schedule to just be with her every day. I didn't go another day without seeing her go to bed at night. From managing her pain to finding more suitable clothing for being bedridden, I did everything I could to be by her side. I had the amazing support of the staff at Open Door Elder Care. Elder Hinton was amazing, as were the CNA's that were scheduled around the clock to be there with Mom. I'll never forget the day I told Elder Hinton the bad news. She cried and was hit just as hard as anyone could be, she wasn't just a caretaker who was there to care for a ton of different residents. She was there to care for Mom and that's what she focused on.

This year was quite possibly one of the most challenging years of my life and in some bizarre way, one of the most rewarding ones too. I know that I could have received a call on January 3rd telling me that Mom had been hurt in the attack or that she had passed away from Cancer. They could have never had the attack and I could have continued to be held at bey for 4 more months while she declined and received the call that she was gone. I've been over this 100 times in my head, and I know that I was fortunate and completely blessed to have had those last 4 months with my mother. In such a tragic situation, there were a ton of moments of joy that I would have never had the opportunity to experience if anything different had happened.

I was blessed by having my mom with me and getting to spend that time with her. We were both blessed by people like Alicia and the Open Door Elder Care home that were there for us. I know that this story is long, and it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. I just feel so compelled to share my joy and my thanks for such amazing people who entered our lives and made this situation so much more manageable and helped me to experience this joy with my mom.

Rescuing Maida was the most important thing I think I have done. It's one of the hardest things I've done but definitely the one thing I'll never regret. I love you mom, and I miss you and think about you every single day!

If you have a loved one that needs Elder care or Senior care, and like me, found the cost of such care prohibitively expensive, you should give Open Door Elder Care (ODEC) a call and go by for a tour of their home. They won't try to impress you and they won't try to talk you into moving in. You'll either really connect with them or you won't. They don't take in more than 3 residents at a time and you or your loved one can either live independently with your own schedule, car and lifestyle, or you can get around the clock care, assistance with dressing, bathing, medical appointments and dispensing your meds, and more. They are amazing and I can't say enough about them.

In fact, I love them so much, I took it upon myself to create a brochure for them to get the word out into the community. I'll post it below. But whether you are a Senior who needs an affordable place to live, you need some extra care or you have a loved one who does... you should check them out. In fact, if you know someone who's in need, please pass along the information. This home is supported by the income they receive from residents and you'll never find a place to match the level of care they provide. If you need a personal discussion with me to share more, I welcome your inquiry.

Thank you for reading this expression of love for my mom. She lives on through these stories.

God Bless,

Kristy Chase, Woodbridge Va